Tis the Season. It’s all About the Expectations.

With the long commercial ramp-up to the holiday season comes the retail decorations and music blitz just after Halloween, beautiful holiday decorating magazine covers and cable specials, invites to parties (“please bring 12 dozen of your favorite cookies to share at the annual neighborhood cookie exchange”), school performances, church pageants, getting the decorations up, gifts purchased and wrapped (mailed too?), along with the immediate food shopping and preparation. That’s on top of the everyday stuff we have to manage. In homes where AD/HD is a factor, the “ho, ho, ho” can quickly become a high-pitched scream of frustration, sadness and anger.

After years of dealing with this myself, I offer a few suggestions.

Stay alert during the holidays. It's the time for people to revert to their familiar behaviors, both good and challenging. Assumptions, mind-reading, cherished family traditions that others may not know about, or may not agree to honor. The expectations are generally set pretty high. I can remember many celebrations with family where my then sister-in-law would start to fume within an hour of our arrival. By the end of our visit (we had to travel and spend a night or two) she had morphed into a screaming maniac. Why? She had a script (in her head) about how her perfect holiday celebration would come off, but hadn’t shared it with the rest of us. It’s really not that uncommon an occurrence, but when you throw AD/HD into the mix, out goes the script, and in comes a lot of improvising.

Don’t ignore the signs of overload. Potential landmines of emotional energy are lurking at every corner. Lots of excitement, stress, overwhelm and lack of sleep are like logs on the fire. Some simmer, while others immediately burst into flames and have to be addressed immediately. On the other hand, a little surprise here and there (thoughtfully created and executed) can bring in an unexpected element of fun. Just make sure that you are reading the situation right and are aware of the schedule of events and expectations before hand.

Mind yourself. In other words, this is a great time to practice your self-regulation and coping skills. Think ahead about what has worked well for you in the past, and what hasn’t. Write it down and keep it handy for a quick review over the next couple of weeks. Whenever you feel stressed, or are starting to feel like people (your partner especially) are being overly critical or short with you, it’s time to review the list and self-correct.

Have a Happy Holiday season!

Making Decisions that Stick

Trying to make effective and timely decisions with AD/HD can present a major hurdle in successfully managing day to day situations. Sometimes a simple yes or no question can become so complicated and fraught with anxiety that the opportunity to decide (and take control over the issue) is lost.

What are the four landmines that can influence your ability to control your decision-making process, and how do you manage them?

Perfectionism. Based on a belief system that it is unacceptable to make a mistake, perfectionists are ruled by lots of “shoulds” and “what if” thinking. It is the all or nothing choice for many with AD/HD. The ultimate in self-defeating behavior, perfectionism is based on unrealistic standards by which these individuals measure their ability to make the “right” choice.

If perfectionism gets in your way, what can you do to minimize the impact?

1. Set realistic goals: what is doable right now? If you are trying to decide how many books to take on vacation, how many can you reasonably read in 7 days?
2. Eliminate the “shoulds”: this is the voice of others; what do you enjoy reading?
3. Minimize the “what ifs”: what if you bring the “wrong” books? What’s the worst that can happen? You go to the store and buy something else.

Procrastination. While this can also be linked to perfectionism, we’ll talk about it in relation to time management. “Why make the decision now, when I can do it later?” The concept of time passing can be so intangible to someone with AD/HD that the idea of forever takes precedent. It’s not until you run up against a deadline that you are able to act. Frequently that results in chaos, tension and a feeling of failure.

How can you begin to get hold of procrastination?

1. Practice taking action at the time. Any time you find yourself saying, “I’ll think about it later,” stop and think about it right then and there. Even if you don’t make a final decision, move on to step 2.
2. Create a daily list of decisions you need to make before the end of the day. Cross them off as you complete them. Check the list at the end of the day and finalize any open decisions.

Too Many Choices. People with AD/HD often find themselves facing what seems to be a sea of endless choices, leading to the internal struggle of how can they possibly narrow down the field. In actuality, they really don’t have that many options, it just seems that they do because again, the phrase “what if” is used too frequently, without boundaries.

If you are overwhelmed by all the choices that you think you have, consider your options.

1. If you could select only 3 choices today, what would they be and why?
2. What would you lose if you limited yourself to those 3; what would you lose if you postponed making the decision?
3. On a scale of 1-10, rank your 3 choices and pick one that has the best score (10 being best)

Distraction. Finally, don’t underestimate one of the basic forms AD/HD takes in pulling your attention away from the decision at hand. You may find that distractibility causes you to forget that you have a decision to make, or when you need to make it.

1. Use your agenda or organizer to post the decision opportunity as soon as you know about it.
2. Monitor the list daily and check off the decisions as you make them.
3. If you need to take some action as a result of your decision, make a note to do it by a certain time (agenda/organizer).

Getting comfortable with the idea that you can make decisions that you can live with takes time and practice. Just like any change, it won't happen overnight. In time, however, you'll be able to add effective decision-making to your list of strengths.

Back-to-School Organization for Adults

As we head into the month of August, even as adults it's hard to avoid connecting with those familiar, yet distant thoughts of "back to school" and fresh beginnings. New backpack, pencils, folders, cool clothes; it's a time to think about the endless possibilities that get us back into the groove. And certainly new "stuff" is a great way to help us realize success by reigning in the challenges that come from the threat of disorganization.

Or is it?

How about those cute little boxes that come in multiple sizes and colors (stacked in the corner of the closet), the gigantic plastic bins that hold (and hide) everything, a colorful floral collection of file folders (still sitting in their tidy little pouches on the kitchen counter), the right pens in your favorite colors (with the perfect grip, still in the package), the best Dymo label maker with personalized labels (how do you work that thing?), the snazziest little Kate Spade personal pocket agenda (it's around here somewhere)? Won't they help? Sadly, more STUFF is not going to result in conquering your issues with clutter, missed appointments, unpaid bills, lost time looking for missing items.

It's not the what, it's the how.

Here are 3 quick and easy steps you can take to start getting organized NOW:

1) Identify a clutter "hot spot" and set a timer for 15 minutes during which time you'll attack the clutter. When the timer rings, either quit, or assess your progress and decide if you want to spend another 15 minutes (don't forget the timer!).

2) Create a family calendar with different pen colors for each member (yippee, get to use the cool pens!). Record activities as they come up, and check the calendar each morning to set the structure of the day.

3) Designate an area by the door (where you and your family frequently leave and enter the house) where family members know that they must "park" their belongings (keys, cell, wallet, purse, backpack, etc.) upon entering, so that they can find them the next day. If something gets moved (backpack with homework), it needs to go back to the spot before bedtime.

Is there more to organizing than 3 steps? Sure, but this is a great start for now.

Negotiating “Yes!” When He Says “No!”

Patty: “Jim, we’ve just been invited to a fabulous weekend at the shore with Karen and Phil. I’ve got a babysitter lined up, and a kennel for the dog. Phil’s got a couple of tee times scheduled, and Karen and I will take care of all of the meals so it won’t cost us much. It sounds like such a great time, what do you think?”

After a lengthy pause and Patty needing to repeat herself, Jim’s initial response is“I don’t think so….I’ve been meaning to clean out the attic, and my ties need sorting, and it’s probably not a good idea…no, not this time.”

What the heck is he talking about? They’ve talked about going many times before and how much fun it would be to get away. Patty is confused, hurt and angry as to why he doesn’t see how great this mini-vacation would be for them. An exchange of harsh words ensues as Patty digs for the real reason behind Jim’s no. The more she pushes, the more combative Jim becomes. Finally, Patty calls Karen and declines the invitation, with great embarrassment and sadness.

Two days later, Jim says, “so, when do we leave?”

When AD/HD is part of a relationship, couples frequently struggle to find a non-combative means of moving forward in their decision-making process. When asked what goals my clients would like to work on, communication is generally at the top of the list. They cite anger, confusion, resentment, overwhelm, chaos, and rage as key components of their alleged communication process.

What are some of the reasons why AD/HD can derail effective communication?

Unrealistic Expectations. We expect that our spouse or partner should be able to listen to an idea and then sort through the details immediately, leading to an obvious yes, when invariably, they default to a no. Time and again, we find that we’re trapped in the insidious web of trying to sort out what’s really being said in order to get the answer that we’re seeking. This unmet expectation can go on for years without the knowledge that the AD/HD component, not necessarily willful behavior on the part of our partners, may be the reason why decision-making is so difficult.

With AD/HD, that process isn’t obvious or easy. There are a significant number of factors that can come into play and tangle us up. Let’s take a look at Patty and Jim’s scenario.

“Incoming.” When Patty started the conversation, Jim was in the middle of reading the sports section of the paper and enjoying a cup of coffee and was taken by surprise. He wasn’t aware that she was speaking to him until she said the words (a couple of times) “sounds like such a great time, what do you think?”
Based on many years of finding himself behind in a conversation due to his attention being focused elsewhere, Jim knows that he has no idea what Patty just said.
Embarrassed and ashamed, he responds as if he’s heard it all, thought about it and reached a logical decision. Before you begin a conversation with your spouse, make sure that you have their attention. Give them some time to digest and consider the decision before demanding an answer.

“Hello, anybody home?” Hyperfocusing, in this case on the paper, makes it difficult for the individual to easily pull himself away from the current task. Easing into the conversation would have helped Jim to more easily shift away from the sports to attend to the subject. Had Patty gotten Jim’s attention by touching his arm first and asking if he could talk for a minute, or asked when would be a good time to talk, Jim could have used this as a transition time to tune into a new idea.

“Whaddya say?” Distraction and/or the delay in shifting attention can result in the individual with AD/HD to not have heard correctly what was said. There is also a possibility that the individual with AD/HD may have misinterpreted what said. In either case, their response has a likely chance of being “off”, or random, or totally off topic. Interpretation from the spouse can range from “you don’t love me enough to listen to me,” to “do you ever listen?” Ask your partner to repeat what they’ve heard rather than responding from a position of insecurity and anger. When you become more emotional it can escalate the situation.

Feeling Out of Control: Not being able to attend to the conversation, or easily process the details can lead the individual with AD/HD to feel overwhelmed and out of control. This promotes a strong desire to gain control at all costs, through arguing, emotional outbursts, retreating and saying “no” when the person really wants to say yes. Give your partner some time to consider the proposition. Know that last minute decisions are not likely to get the results that you are seeking.

“Zero to 60 in seconds.” Some individuals with AD/HD have responses to situations that may seem to be excessive, or are based on little or no apparent provocation. In other words, it doesn’t take much to set them off. It can be difficult to converse about a decision knowing that at the drop of a hat, the wheels can come off. Navigating around the level of response requires being able to read the signals prior to a blow-up, or being able to re-direct the conversation to a calmer place for the moment.

“And They’re Off!” Besides feeling the need to defend and protect again the message of being wronged, the AD/HD partner may have a strong desire to engage in arguing as a means of stimulating his/her brain at that particular moment. At this point, the non-AD/HD partner is primed and ready to go to battle. In the end, they’re both so angry that they quit talking altogether.

“But, you said….” And yes, don’t be surprised if your beloved comes back to you later as if nothing ever happened, and is packed and ready to head for the shore. It’s as though they’ve forgotten the “discussion” ever occurred (and you know they probably did).

As they say, it’s complicated. There’s a lot of overlap between the contributing factors and many can be operating at the same time. It’s easy to be confused, hurt and resentful. But, now you know a little more about why the AD/HD factor can make communication so challenging.

Coaching question of the day: What will you do differently the next time you want to have a conversation with your AD/HD spouse?

Is AD/HD Real: “If we can’t see it, it must not exist.”

Listening to NPR recently I was struck by a feature regarding the military’s response to soldiers who have experienced “mild” brain trauma from roadside bombs and other war-related explosions. According to NPR’s report, the military medical system is “failing to diagnose brain injuries in troops who served in Iraq and Afghanistan, many of whom receive little or no treatment for lingering health problems.” "When someone's missing a limb, you can see that," said Sgt. William Fraas, a Bronze Star recipient who survived several roadside blasts in Iraq. He can no longer drive, or remember simple lists of jobs to do around the house. "When someone has a brain injury, you can't see it, but it's still serious."

This is a parallel and frequent line of thinking for people who are struggling with AD/HD. If we can’t see it, touch it, smell it, feel it, it must not exist. How often do we hear stories about people who just can’t seem to manage school expectations, or muddle through multiple marriages/relationships, or can’t seem to hold onto a job? Frequently, the stories are peppered with phrases like “he’s got the ability, but he’s too lazy,”, or “what a screw-up,” or, “she’s bright, but just can’t seem to make it happen; kind of a flake.” Like the survivors of war trauma, are these folks intentionally failing to make their lives successful, or is something else impacting their efforts?

A friend of mine who “gets” AD/HD asked why it is that the other leading developmental disorder, Autism, is much more readily embraced as a real disorder, and seems to be better able to garner public support and discussion. On a recent online search for AD/HD support groups, one site listed 8 for AD/HD, and 25 for Autism/Aspergers/PDD. Why is AD/HD associated with myths of being “made-up,” and “just an excuse for bad behavior?” Why is there a supposed stigma attached to an AD/HD diagnosis that just doesn’t seem to exist for Autism? What is missing from this picture that could help a diagnosis and support of AD/HD be recognized as a positive effort to help individuals realize more positive, productive and healthy lives?

According to CHADD’s National Resource Center on ADHD, “because it (AD/HD) is a lifespan disorder that impacts so many areas of an individual's daily functioning, ADHD is a serious public health issue.” Sounds like a pretty serious disorder to me.